hair"I've dyed my hair so many times now that I don't even remember what my natural hair colour is anymore!"
I can remember the first time I dyed my hair, I think I was in grade 7 and bleaching your hair blond was totally in that year. In fact, dying your hair blond was in for a couple years after that too I think, but I remember doing it. I remember the thrill of having a completely different look, of changing one thing about me that I didn't like anymore. It was kind of neat, I felt a lot like with new hair I could totally be a different person, maybe I'd be cool this year or the girl I'd had a crush on for the last few years would notice me now and totally want to go out with me.
Since then I've dyed my hair maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Wow, that sounds like a lot more when I type it out. What's my original hair colour? Dark brown, although you wouldn't really know it to look at my hair right now, I kind of dyed it a while ago so that it's a lighter brown with blonde highlights. Go figure.
I think over the last few years who I am has kind of taken that same road. I've been trying so hard to fit in, to meet people, and to have people like me that I've coloured elements of my personality. The problem for me right now I guess, is that I've done it so much I'm not sure I know who I am anymore. What parts of my personality are me and what parts are the coloured segments I've worked so hard to create? What scares me the most is that I can't tell what the fake parts are and what the real parts are. Does that make me completely fake?
I had a conversation with someone today who said sometimes they wondered if I was the most coincidental person in the world or was lying about things that happen to me so I can fit in. It kind of freaked me out. First of all because I thought I was being genuine in the experiences I have and secondly because my presentation of those experiences comes across as me making crap up to make me 'look good' or whatever. I don't think I was making stuff up but I guess I need to work on how I express my thinking patterns and stuff. As I sit here and think about it I don't even know if I know that I'm doing it. That's really weird to me because at that point I can't even control it!
So, this brings me back to my dilemma of the night. Who am I? What am I becoming? I just want to be me, but I don't know if I know who me is. Maybe it's time to start over. Maybe this is the opportunity for me to really seriously start to make Christ my identity. What would that look like? I've got a few ideas but maybe that's a good place to start. Being at Redwood has really done a number on me psychologically and emotionally and there are ways that I am changing to fit in here but I wonder if those are genuine or just a new colour for my personality.
Well, I guess as I continue this journey of discovery and adventure shedding the things I don't want to be me is a logical conclusion too. I'm not sure what else is going on here but this is probably that God transformation thing that happens when He's doing something pretty crazy. Well God, I'm up for the adventure whatever challenges await. I'm tired now and I am going to bed, hopefully I'll be able to find myself in the morning.
guyrocks
ok, so I'm not quite sure who I am anymore...
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